Knock Knock....

Only a few more days until I fly to Utah to see my sons and my daughter
And to meet someone new.
Although I have a feeling that we have met before.
This person will usher me into yet another new phase of my life.
It's one of those doors of your life that once you enter you cannot exit.
(Yes, much like the Hotel California)
Those who have read my blog should know by now that it is never easy for me.
I over-think things.
At least I use to.
Now I hope that my advancing age has least brought the wisdom that everyday is different and cannot be predicted.
And yet people ask me anyway,
"Are you excited to be a grandma?"
I answer yes because I know that is what I am suppose to say.
And there is a part of me that is.
The little clothes and layette purchased and packed,
The recent urge to crochet producing copious amounts of hats,
New photography gadgets to capture every second of her life ;)
And yet....
There is another baby that occupies my thoughts.
This one.

That's my beautiful mom holding my first born.
My Megan.
And that is where my heart is right now.
I think about the fact that she is embarking on the most exciting, joyful, difficult journey of her mortal life.
At least it was and is for me.
It changes everything.
It is profoundly rewarding.
It is more difficult than I had ever imagined.
To do it right that is.
To love someone more than yourself......
whether you want to or not.
To experience joy and pain,
Happiness and sadness,
Pride and disappointment..
All on a brand new level


I am so proud of her and all that she has accomplished in her life.
And I know that she will make an amazing mother.
But the mother in me....
Can't help but want to take care of HER.
To make sure that everything is easy for HER.
I know that is impossible but..
Hey I am a mom.
It's what we do.
It's what she will do.

And I am pretty sure that once Katelyn makes her grand entrance.
I will learn another whole level of love.
Why yes I guess I AM excited for that.

Who lives in Pleasant Grove?

Well it happened...
And it slipped right past me.
You see I've been busy.
See that beautiful picture up there.
That's one of the reasons why..
But still no excuse for missing it.
My 10,000 visitor.
There were no loud explosions,
No confetti,
No music or banging drums.
So I looked at my site meter to see that it was a friend from
Pleasant Grove.
How fitting that it should be someone from a location with the word pleasant in it.
Because that's what I feel when I think of the kind people who read my blog
who comment
who follow
and who are so kind to tell me that they enjoy what I write.
Thank you Ms or Mr. Pleasant Grove.
Let me know who you are and I will send you a treat.
You are number
10,000.
Here is to the next 10,000

Anyone know an adult who collects giraffes?

Amigurumi.
That's what that these are called.
I know I know
They look like stuffed animals....weird one's... agreed....but crocheted stuffed animals nonetheless.
But if they are called amigurumi in today's world then who am to argue.
I am becoming a grandma after all. soon.
April.
And I want to be the best one I can be.
When my children were young, I was fascinated by toys and toy aisle in Target and WalMart. My mother would tire quickly when I would say I was going to make a quick sweep through the toy section. She knew that quick was half an hour at best.
I loved toys.
It was in fact one of the things that I missed about being a young mother.
Being able to buy toys
and
feeling the movement of a baby inside me.
Well I think I get to have one of those two things back.
And to link that new urge with my sudden urge to crochet.....
Well just stamp a big "G" on my forehead and pull up the rocking chair.
So when I signed up for daily crocheting patterns and they kept using the word
"amigurumi"
Well I had to know what that meant.
After all I am a mother who not only knew every pokemon name but helped collect those all important cards.
"GOTTA CATCH EM ALL!"
I looked it up in the dictionary and there was no definition there.
I started a google search on the crocheting sites and came up with this explanation.
  Amigurumi is the Japanese art of knitting or crocheting small stuffed animals and anthropomorphic creatures. The word is derived from a combination of the Japanese words ami, meaning crocheted or knitted, and nuigurumi, meaning stuffed doll. 
Ok so I am not japanese....stuffed doll. Got it.
I decided to investigate further.
The descriptions that followed of why I should make the stuffed dolls amused me.
For instance....
 Lorelei the Ladybug- Use free amigurumi crochet patterns to make this ladybug. It's an easy crochet pattern that you can give to your friends. Add him to your great collection of amigurumi friends. Again, makes a great friend for a child.
Truly who DOESN"T want a great friend for your child. I had never thought when my children complained to me that they had NO friends that I could have just crocheted one up for them.
The Love Bug- These love bugs are adorable for all ages. They make for great gifts on Valentine's day or any day of the year. Your kids can play with the love bugs and have tea parties with them. 
Now this one is problematic since Mormons don't drink tea but who knew that Love Bugs did?
Georgia the Giraffe- Crochet a cute giraffe like this one for the next baby shower you go to. The colors are nice and bright for baby to look at. It's an easy crochet pattern that works best with worsted weight yarn and an H hook. This makes for a great gift for an adult who collects giraffes.
I will now be on the look out for any adult who has a giraffe collection. If you know of any I will be sure to whip one up.
And finally my personal favorite.....
Amigurumi Style Pug- This type of dog is controversial, some people love it, some people not so much. I personally think they're really cute, but if you don't want the hassle of cleaning up after it or taking it for walks then use this free amigurumi crochet pattern to create your own crocheted pug.
Although I did NOT know that the Pug was a controversial breed, I do think that a crocheted dog makes perfect sense.
No hassles
No cleaning
No walking
I am fairly sure that amigurumi's don't eat.
But I will have to get back to you on that one.
 

Texas Fried Pride

How do you know that you are in a high class eating establishment?
How are you assured that your Texas eating experience will be top notch?
How can you guarantee that your fried foods will be moist and filled with oily goodness?

Make sure you pick the joint that has napkins that flow freely...
Like toilet paper on a roll.
All 8 of them lined up in a row.
Oh and if the locals that are packed in there look at you a little funny.
It's okay....
Just smile a little wider and say,
Yes they are ALL my real teeth.

If a little's good.....

My Grandpa Rampton used to like to say when indulging in a favorite food....
If a little's good..a LOT is better!
I have been applying that to the internet lately with some rather frustrating results I must say.
When computers first came out before the world wide web
(Can you imagine a time before the internet?...My kids think it is hilarious that I was born before the invention of the Egg McMuffin let alone the personal computer)
I remember playing a very rudimentary game of Jeopardy on my parents new computer and thinking
If I could just play this game every day...
I would be happy.
But I didn't own one yet and the novelty of the computer when visiting my parents made necessary a sharing policy which did not suit my wants.
Then came the internet.
I had an email account with Juno (remember them...My dad still uses his juno account for email. I think he is their last and only customer. He is loyal like that. If it ain't broke.....
Then MySpace
Then it was facebook
(My husband still once in awhile calls it spacebook)

But only for the cool college kids so I had to settle for spying from my daughters account.
Then the rest of us, the common masses, the sneeches without stars on our bellies, were allowed to join.
Then blogging.
Didn't intend to start but somehow did. (I blame you Dave)
Then twitter.
I got an account...
Never had anything to say
Then with my new passion for photography I joined multiple groups....
Clickin Moms, SmugMug, Professional Photography, Photography for Dummies, Photography People, Photographic Phglem.....okay so I am making some of them up....but that's only because I can't remember all of their names.
My emails are growing exponentially by leaps and bounds...
I try to mostly focus on this blog and facebook
whilst occasionally checking on the rest of them...
well those that I remember joining.
I try to get followers for this blog
and my photography site
(because that's what all the cool kids and the star bellied sneetches do)
and it's like pulling teeth.
(This is a blatant plug for liking me and following me if you haven't already...I don't know why it makes me happy but it does)
So this week I get an invitation for Pinterest.
I know from the buzz on the streets that this is new place where all the cool kids are hanging.
And you have to be invited..
After all isn't that what makes it even cooler?
So of course I join.
Not sure I have anything to "pin"
or the time to look at anyone else's bulletin board but hey
ALL THE COOL KIDS..........
Now here is the irony.
I get 4 or 5 emails a day saying that different people are following me or friends with me or "pin" pals or whatever you call it.
What are you following people?
I haven't done ANYTHING!
I am pinless...
Is there an award for the person who collects the most bulletin boards?
Is there a cash prize?
WILL I BE ONE OF THE COOL KIDS??????
Please let me know.
And while your at it...
Do you know what my username and password is for all of these things..
Because I don't.

Now go and follow me here on this blog and SheWinn Photography.....pretty please????

I'm Expecting!

New nest,
Crocheting little hats,
Craving all sorts of un-figure friendly foods...
New aches and pains,
Stopping in the toy aisle....
It's official!
I'm expecting....................
my first grandchild, that is.
As much as I knew that I was technically old enough to have a grandchild, it was still somewhat of a shock to my system. (as well to my daughter who is carrying her the first nine months)
In some ways it still hasn't really sunk in yet.
But I think that I am getting there.
I decided this year that I wanted to learn a new skill this year.
I want to continue learning something new even though I am old.
I chose sewing.
So far the machine I borrowed from my mother sits in the corner.
New plan!
Crocheting.
I have been drooling over some of the etsy sites which sell newborn crocheted hats as photography props. I thought that it would really help my new business if I had my own collection.
It started to dawn on me that it was part of my training.
The gray hair, the new house, the sudden interest in crocheting...
I'M GONNA BE A GRANDMA!

And so it goes...
I am learning to crochet
These are my first four attempts.
I think I'm going to rock this.

I told you so......:(

 

(Classic Jack, roasting a marshmallow rice krispie treat instead of a marshmallow)

I love this kid....er.....adult.

Since the day he was born he has always tried to do the right thing....

Well almost.

In the major areas, particularly if he thought it would upset me, he has tried his best to do what he has been taught.

In fact I swear that he would watch his older sister get in trouble for something and I could see the wheels in his brain spin with a mental checklist...

That made mom mad...

Don't do that...

Check.

My girls always complained that I never got angry at Jack.

That is just wasn't fair.

I would ask them if every time they got in trouble should I yell at Jack too, just to even things out.

(For the record, I am really not a "yeller". In fact with me you should worry more when I get real quiet. Ask my kids about the Sacrament meeting death grip which was done in complete silence)

His sisters are always alerting me to the fact that he is NOT perfect and that when I am not looking he does things wrong ALL the time.

To which I reply, "maybe you should try the quiet approach as well."

You gotta kind of admire someone who can be that stealthy.

The one thing I did notice as he grew was that for the most part he would follow all the rules unless......

He thought they were really stupid rules.

Take when the time when his first grade teacher wanted him to make a row of t's and he felt that the way it should be done is make a row of vertical lines and then with one long swoop of his pencil cross all his t's with one long line. When he did not get the smiley face stamped on his work, he was truly perplexed as to why.  When I explained it to him I could see that he did NOT see the logic. From that point on until a miracle which happened on his mission (story for another day) his handwriting was illegible. It was his way of being a conscientious objector.

He and I have a little bit of a running argument about driving and parking.

He thinks that parking violation is one of those stupid rules like having to individually crossing your t's.

I as the mother who wants their child to be perfect respond,

"It doesn't matter if you think a law is stupid, you should always obey it. Even if I was in the middle of the desert with no one in sight for hundreds of miles, I would come to a complete stop."

(I would! Really I would!)

To which he might respond, "Parking violations are not breaking the law"

To which I would sign and just say, "well you will think differently if you ever get a ticket."

Last night I got a text from him saying,

"My life is ruined"

(For the record, I hate those kind of messages from my kids. I know they are usually being a tad overly dramatic but they still make my stomach plummet like when you ride one of those amusement park rides.)

His car had been towed.

His defense was that they only are suppose to tow after midnight and he had made sure to be out before midnight.

I asked, "What did the sign say?"

"No parking unless you are a resident"

"So you shouldn't have parked there?"

"But every apartment complex in Provo waits until midnight until they start towing."

"Apparently not"

He then told me that I wasn't helping. That my job was to say that things like that happen and everything would be alright.

That's what I wanted to say the minute I heard.

But I couldn't.

I am a mother.

Now here is the part that Jack doesn't know.

I hate saying, "I told you so" or anything like it.

When any of my children "learn a lesson" through their own "experience", and suffer their own consequences, everything that is in me wants to scream,

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

I don't want you to suffer!

I don't want you to be sad or angry or hurt or disappointed..

(or pay $175 dollars when you are a poor student struggling to make ends meet and now won't get to go skiing this weekend)

Why do you think I kept trying to tell you over and over what you should do?

It's not because there is ANY satisfaction in telling you,

"I told you so."

I don't want to be right.

I just don't want you to be wrong.

P.S. Son, it happens to all of us....it is a part of life.....and everything is A-okay.

P.S.S. There is always a silver lining to any sad story told. A little bird told me that Jack's sister felt so bad for him that she deposited 15 dollars of her own money to help him buy groceries this week without even letting me know it. Can I tell you what that does to a mother's heart? It makes every bad moment worth it. I am so proud of all of my kids. They continue to amaze me. 

What is WRONG with me?

What is WRONG with me?
(For those of you with answers to that...please submit your list alphabetically, single spaced and please remember to number your pages in proper MLA format)
I hadn't looked at my blog for months.
(You noticed too?.....you didn't?....nevermind)
I didn't think that it really mattered anyway.
I am sure that you all have plenty in your life to do without reading about my life.
Plus there are a bazillion blogs out there.
(Really..... I've counted. What do you think I have been doing the last few months?)
In fact I was reading one this morning of a mom whose child passed away of disease that seemed tortuous both to the baby and mom.
And through it all she blogged about it.
Almost three years of constant care of her dying child and she blogged almost daily.
I wondered if it was her link to the outside world....
I wondered if it was cathartic for her to have a place to express her feelings...
Was it a way of asking for help?
I looked at the tab at the top of my screen with the bookmark of my blog that had gone untouched.
I clicked it.
And started reading my own writing
I don't even remember some of the posts.
(no I am not crazy, "on" anything)
I enjoyed remembering about what I was thinking at that particular moment in time.
It struck me that our journey of thoughts are fleeting.
There are too many of them to keep them present and real to our minds.
So most of them are lost..
or not...

I had a professor at BYU who theorized that our physical bodies are our book of life from which we will be judged. That every thought, feeling and emotion is written and recorded in our cells.  All of the information which is so neatly tucked away will be revealed when we are able and ready to access them.
Until that time,
I think I need to be better at writing some of them down.
To remind myself
of me.
Who I was, who I am, and who I want to be.
A road map.
And ya'll are welcome to come along anytime you desire.

Clickety Clickety FOLLOW

Who is this ghostly spectre?
What made her life so grim?
I will tell you......
if you really want to know.
She took her own life because.......

No one clicked to the right of her blog where the button said....
"JOIN THIS SITE."
Nah I'm just teasing.
But it would make me happy to know who you are out there.
It's easy....
Click the button
It's on the left side
Scroll down a little
Your picture would be there and
I will get to see you....
And then I will tell the real reason for her demise.
Cmon....you know you want to.

Ladies only please...I am using the word bra

 

I bought my very sports bra today.

It was as bad as any other bra shopping experience to date with the added pressure 

of jogging in the dressing room to check out that it was capable of doing it's "job".

It was part of my pre-race ritual...

Yes I said the word RACE.

A word that until today in my vocabulary only meant to specify:

a group of persons related by common decent or heredity.

Tonight it will mean something totally different.

It will mean "Onward movement"

It is only 1.1 miles in honor of 11/11/11.

I am not honoring it...the race people are,

But my friend Joy signed me up and said that I could do it.

And it is the shortest one that I have heard about.

It makes my stomach feel funny.

So I have dedicated the day to it.

I don't know how the running "pro's" do it but being such a novice.....

Here is my schedule....

10:00 woke up....slept in for that extra energy or maybe because it's cold outside

10-11 Laid in bed with the covers over my head wondering "WHAT IN THE WORLD WAS I THINKING"

11:00 Power breakfast of a Life cereal bar since my blender was dirty. I forgot to turn on the dishwasher last night because I was wondering "WHAT IN THE WORLD WAS I THINKING" and I didn't want to waste any more needed energy.

11-12 Edited photos until I realized that I was getting a crick in my neck....stopped immediately and wondered what the "pros" do about that.

12-1 Went to Wal-Mart to buy jogging clothes and all important jogging bra. Stopped at Sonic for the also all important Route 44 Diet Coke with Cranberry and Extra Ice. Told my Sonic friend Margarita at the drive through window that I was running my first race tonight. The language barrier did not allow me to fully explain it to her and so we just smiled and she said "Be Careful"....good advice, I think.

1-2 Ate Sushi and think about if that is what the "pros" eat.

2-3 Write this post.

3-4 Change in to oddly uncomfortable newly purchased running clothes and think, "WHAT IN THE WORLD WAS I THINKING???"

Every since my children left the nest I have been trying to do things that take me out my comfort zone. I have found that it is the only way to really be happy.

I had gotten so used to being a mother that I forgot what it was like to do something totally new

Totally scary.

Totally crazy.

I guess that's what I was thinking....

Wish me luck

Cuz here I go!

P.S. I love this picture. I was at the Chinese Long Boat Races in Sugar Land and there was this crowd of children ready to give a demonstration of their karate skills. All of the children were wound up  and excited and playing and laughing.

This little girl was so focused, she blocked everything out.

She was going through her routine in her mind.

She was so focused.

I wanna be just like her.

Perception

It's quiet.
I have accomplished what I feel is a day's full of activities
and it is not quite 7 pm.
I jokingly posted this on my facebook wall... 
I slept in, did some work, went to lunch with my mom, cleaned my room, walked 3 miles, made dinner and elfed myself and my siblings and it isn't even 7pm yet. This daylight savings time is really messing with me. I'm going to have to start pacing myself better.
It struck me that years ago I dreamed this life.
All too real memories flood back of waiting for Todd after the darkness of daylight savings time had caused all three children to be back safely in the house and watch the minutes tick by as if they were hours. Each child either hungry, bored, tired or the combination of all three and me trying to fix dinner and mentally counting the minutes till my relief showed up. On bad evenings (and truly there were not that many....flashbacks are always a little exaggerated)  I would mentally count the years until they were all gone.
Figuring that maybe the smarter ones could skip a grade or two.
(To my three amazingly intelligent children reading this.....of course mommy means you)
And therefore take a few years off of my sentence.
I knew that the light at the end of the tunnel would be glorious.
And it is....
kinda

I want to skip to another story here before I wrap up this little "deep thought"
(Don't worry I will come back to this one) 


I was in the Salt Lake airport last week waiting for my flight to take me back home.
I had had a wonderful week with my four children.
(Yes Dave you ARE my family)
And I was a little misty at the thought of leaving them.
With the Winns, good-byes are usually pretty ugly.
I was excited to get back to my new home, my sweet husband and my very quiet life
But I still was trying to transition.
I decided my best strategy was to go stand at the missionary portal.
For those of you who are not LDS or from the state of Utah let me explain.
In the Salt Lake airport there is a place that daily has families and friends
Huddled together with balloons and signs and smiles that are the best smiles in the world.
Seriously..
What smile beats the one of a mother about to embrace her son after two years of not doing so?
The only reunions that I have ever seen to equal them are the military reunion videos that I have stopped myself from watching since I end up crying so much I am afraid of short circuiting my keyboard.
The looks on these peoples faces are like a boost...
A legal drug...
Better than a triple rainbow.
They are my favorite thing about flying out of Utah.
I watched for a few minutes and remembered
I could feel the hug that meant so much to me in Guatemala
I knew that when tears were about to form that it was time for me to move through the 
jolting reality of security.
As I approached the woman TSA agent I took one more look behind me to soak up the look on the eager families faces...
A moment in time that they would remember forever.
Uplifted I gave her a big smile and said HI!!
(In fairness I always smile because I don't want to be strip searched, but this one was real, I promise)
I then blurted out,
"You must have the BEST job in the world!"
She scowled.
I mean you get to watch this (and I pointed my arms in the direction of missionary portal) EVERYDAY!
That's when she exploded.
"I WISH THEY WOULD ALL STAY HOME LIKE THEY ARE SUPPOSE TO!  IT JUST MAKES MY JOB WORSE!"
I walked away a little stunned.
I wanted to say something but I didn't...... but remember.....security body cavity search????
I just had to settle on thinking in my mind what I had just experienced.
How two people could see something so differently.
That what made one person weep with emotion...
Would make another person so angry.
I guess it's all about perception.


And so I say to all my friends out there with small children at home who are in the trenches of motherhood. Yes there are some great things to look forward to...
But enjoy every second that you can right now.
There are things to be missed.
And miss them you will.
It is all about perception.


P.S. To all those wondering why I posted that picture with this post....I just liked it.  I like scary things. Todd does not.....perception

A day that will live in infamy.......

No not Pearl Harbor.....
November 4, 1966 to be exact.
Now before you accuse me of being dramatic...remember that to a five year old being bumped out of the coveted place of "baby of the family" is the same act that declares war.
And war it was.
I have but few really detailed memories of the first ten years of my life.
But there is one that stands out with perfect clarity.
On the first anniversary of said date of infamy.
November 4, 1967
My mom and I spent an afternoon together...alone.
Which wasn't that common since I was the third of four children.
I think that she sensed that I needed a little extra attention with the year that I had just lived through.
And so we made a cake together.
I was able to help bake and frost and even decorate.
Which didn't happen too often in my mother's very controlled kitchen.
At the time I thought it the most magnificent of all cakes.
Decorated with a border of animal crackers that I had carefully and artistically placed.
I was overwhelmed with feelings of pride and amazement.
And then it happened...
If there was ever a time when my emotions went from pure joy to sheer terror, this was that day.
The cake that was a symbol of what a mother and daughters love could create was offered up..
On a beautiful white glass pedestal platter.....
To him!

I could not believe my tear filled eyes.
He was actually just given the whole thing to claw and paw at with his little grubby fingers,
while everyone laughed and snapped photos.
The tears flowed freely and my vehement protests fell on deaf ears.
Then the laughter and cameras turned to me to document my torture.
I couldn't bear another minute.
I left the room and found a corner to hide in.
And that is when I first learned that
War truly is hell.
P.S. This is the little cake monster now.

 We have actually mentally signed a peace treaty and declared the war over...
But if he EVER touches a cake of mine again with his grubby little paws...........
Well I cannot be held responsible for what will happen then.
P.S.S. Happy Birthday Baby Davey. You turned out to be one of the few men that I both love and admire. You are the best baby brother that I could have asked for even though I didn't actually realize it at the time. That being said you still owe me a pristine untouched birthday cake with an animal cracker border.